Is a $79 paternity test kit accurate?

This just in! Q-tips don't just clear your ear wax, they determine paternity! The catch? These magical Q-tips cost $79 for a box of 4 of them. 2 to swab your cheeks, and 2 extra to clean your ears, just as a bonus!

But don't you fear, these DNA reading cotton swabs may look just like normal Q-tips, but they aren't. Why else would a company charge $79 for them? And that's a bargain, given that the going price for a legal paternity test is $450 But hey, with these mystical, Harry Potter-esque wands that look like normal cotton swabs, you can just do it at home at get your results in a few days! A mail order paternity test!

I don't know about you, I like to save money as much as the next guy. But when it comes to the most important things in life - such as a test that can change my life, and the life of my possible kids - I want it done professionally. If I am in a position where I need the test, it means that I am already not sleeping at night, wondering about the results. It means I want the test to clear up any doubt, once and for all. It means I need it done professionally, in a clinic, so that I don't spend the rest of my life wondering if I somehow screwed up the test by doing it myself.

Here's a few more things to think about:

• Why aren't any of the $79 companies listed in search results? Are their reputations so poor that they need to buy their way into your attention with ads?
• Upon deeper research, I found that one company was selling $79 paternity tests under one name, and $69 using a D/B/A. Same company. Then, they added a $10 fee at checkout to make it $79.
• I also found out these companies charge extra for just about everything. Shipping? Extra. Written report? Extra. Online results? Extra. The more I looked at it, the more it looked like a bait and switch.
• Finally, why is the $79 paternity test only available by mail order? Upon investigation, I found out that the companies behind these bare bones tests are not based in the USA, so you have to mail your swabs out of the country for lab work. Now, when it comes to commodities, I have no problem with global trade. But a DNA test is way too personal.

Don't send your swabs overseas, please. We're talking about a paternity test. There's simply too much riding on it. So, here's my advice: save money elsewhere. Get a legal DNA test. It's available at thousands of locations nationwide.